Category: Personal

Summer Tunes

If you’ve read this blog at all, followed me on Twitter or know me outside of the Interwebs, you’ll know that next to coffee and my dog, my third biggest obsession in life is music.  I like to make music, but I also love listening to it and pretty much always have music on in the background.  Because I’ve always had my own self-created life soundtracks due to this obsession, I end up with playlists that always remind me of a particular time in my life or a particular season.  These are the highlights of my Summer 2013 Soundtrack:

Let’s talk about friends


I have never been good at having close friends. A lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve been through some things in my life that make trusting other people hard. And I mean like panic-inducing-to-the-point-of-suffocation-hard. Not ‘that looks like it might take some effort’ hard. Actual, legit hardness (Yes, yes. TWSS).

So, yes. I tend not to seek friends out. The friends I have, I’ve had for years and years. We’ve been through hard life stuff together. I’ve got their back, they’ve got mine. It’s never a question. I know it, I feel it. These are my people.

thumbs up

Then there are the people that I would count as friends in a social setting. Sure, she might be really smart. He might be really funny. He might be into geekery. She might love whiskey or Gilmore Girls nearly as much as I do. I like them well enough. They’re fun to talk to, to spend time with. But they haven’t broken into the true close friends circle.

When I was younger and much less sure of what I wanted and how I felt (Yes, I actually am much better at this than I used to be, don’t give me that look), there was the close friends circle and the social friends circle and if I had stuck you in the last one, there was very little chance you would ever hop circles. Unfair? Probably. Unhealthy? Completely. But it worked for me, or at least I thought it did, so that’s how I navigated and protected myself from having to really get to know anyone unless they hadn’t already shown me in a really specific and clear way that I could trust them.

Then as I got older and collected some more life experience (I’m not going to dare to claim that I’ve grown wiser), I decided that maybe I need to be a bit more forgiving and a bit more flexible and maybe I should give people more of a chance. Maybe I could try to trust people outside of my close circle of friends and maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Now, here’s the thing about me. I find balance hard. I’m either all in to something or I’m all out. I don’t half ass things. I full ass them, or I don’t ass them at all.

Apparently this is not the approach to take when you’re working on something like trust. Sure, sometimes, letting someone else in worked out.  I got to know them better, they got to know me.  And suddenly, I was adding more people to that exclusive close friends circle.

Then there were a few times that it didn’t work out at all. I’d get to know people more and realise that perhaps I didn’t know them as well as I thought I had.  The beauty of those social, acquaintance-style friendships.  Me, being me, went all out and put a lot of energy into this new adventure of trusting people more.  I genuinely wanted this to work, and seemed to think any negative experience meant this whole thing was a failure.  I worked so hard at letting people in, trying to trust them and letting them in. In turn, I worked hard at sparing other people’s feelings, at being there when I knew someone was going through a tough time, or when they had something to celebrate.  I quickly found out that not everyone I felt I could trust, should be trusted.  That some people were happy to accept my energies, but not nearly as happy to return it.  When the rough life stuff happened, those people disappeared.  When the exciting life stuff happened, they weren’t supportive, they were jealous and bitchy.

Naturally, I used those negative experiences as reinforcement that my original way of dealing with people was the right way to deal with people. Cuz it really sucked when she manipulated me and tried to use my silence as agreement or when he used me to make him feel better about himself until he got he shit together and got that boost from others.  It was hard when I realised she wasn’t who I thought she was, or he vanished the second I truly needed a friend.  It’s easy to get all dark cloudy about it.

But I was missing a very important piece of this whole experiment; I had tried. I had let others in. And yeah, it absolutely sucked a few times. And yeah, it wasn’t cool to realise that I may have misread or misunderstood some people. But I was okay. The world had not ended. And there were people that I let in and it was so worth it. People who I’d kept at arms length. People who I’ve grown to love and trust, people who love and trust me.

People who I never would’ve given a chance to before.

I’m not going to suddenly just let down my guard. I’m not going to trust everyone I talk to, meet or spend time with.

But I am willing to give them a try.


Observations about Employment Interruptions

I’ve been incredibly lucky to have had steady work from the time I finished school… So for the first time, I’ve found it a bit strange to experience an interruption in my employment.  I’ve made some interesting observations about this so far:

1. People who you never hear from call/text to ask how you’re doing.

For serious. Friends of my parents.  Cousins I never talk to, acquaintances, that guy I met at a work function… Why now? Nothing’s changed, really.  I’m not dying.

2. Your parents express concern similar to the concern expressed when you were 17 and locked yourself in your room because your boyfriend broke up with you for the girl he just met on the internet.


My Ted Mosby Moment

Haaaave you met Ted?

Last week, I tweeted that I was having a Ted moment.  I sometimes (okay, a lot of the times) reference shows and films I like, so I had a few people ask me what exactly that was…and to which Ted I was referring.

On this particular occasion, I was having a Ted Mosby moment, the Ted from How I Met Your Mother.  In season four (episode 20, if you want to be very specific or are a HIMYM nerd like I am) Ted, after losing his job at an architecture firm, decides it might be time to finally start his own firm.  Like Ted, after recently being laid off, I decided it was time to suck it up, stop planning and thinking about it… and actually work at my dream of starting my own agency (communications for me, an architect, I am not).


Secret Santa

My dad’s parents settled in the north end of the city shortly after they were married.  They were married in September 1956, so their first married Christmas happened just a few months after their wedding.  A few days before December 25th that year, my grandparents received a notice from the department store Sears that their stove had been paid off.   They asked around, trying to find out who had been so generous by paying off their stove, but no one seemed to have any idea who’d paid it.  It was a mystery.

The next Christmas, my grandparents were celebrating their first Christmas as parents.  It was my dad’s very first Christmas.  Again, a few days before Christmas, they received a delivery from Sears.  It was a Christmas present for my Dad, from this secret Santa.  My grandparents still had no idea where the special deliveries were coming from.  By each Christmas growing up, my dad and his siblings would always receive a mystery delivery from this generous secret Santa.


In Memoriam

Dear kids,

Let me tell you a little bit about your father.

He was the man with a kind heart, and was quick with a smile.

He was the man whose face lit up each time he was around your mother.

The man who was so excited to be a dad.

The man who loved you both, in a way you won’t probably understand until you become parents yourselves.

The man with the goofy, childlike grin and the floppy curly blond hair, whose motto was simple; Life is short, love is forever.

Love is forever.  Never forget that, and you will never forget him.



Things that surprise people

<3 Ukes

Thanks to VEDA this year, I got to know some more crazy cool people.  One of those fabulous people is Lauren and I love reading her blog. So. HARD.

Recently she wrote a post about how she loves getting to know people and learning things about her friends that surprise her, and how she loves learning the things about herself that people are surprised to learn…And she posted a list of things that people find surprising to learn about her.  I thought it was a great idea for a post, so with her permission, I’m borrowing her brilliant idea. (more…)