I always choose the table next to the super awkward first date. It’s my superpower.
It doesn’t matter what kind of establishment I’m at; a restaurant, a pub, a bar, a coffee house. I’ve even managed to find the awkward first date at sporting events. It doesn’t matter what time of day, what day of the week; if you’re having an awkward first date, chances are I’m at the next table over cringing on your behalf.
You know, but in a non-creepy kind of way.
Anyway. On Friday, I was doing some freelance work at a coffee shop, as I like to do from time to time for a change of scenery. And across from where I was working, a couple seated themselves at a table, coffees in hand. It had all of the signs that I’ve come to know so well, thanks to my superpower; awkward small talk, tight smiles, glances over the shoulder and around the room. At one point, the woman turned so her entire body was facing away from her date. She checked her watch. Thirteen times. She leaned far back in her chair, creating as much distance between them as physically possible without falling backwards out of her chair. She crossed her arms. Her date was not picking up on her ‘I’m just not that into you’ signs. When the woman pulled out her phone and started scrolling through it while her date rattled on about his love of the outdoors, I was cringing internally so hard, I was worried I wasn’t going to be able to keep the look on my face neutral any longer. Nothing says ‘I give no fucks about this date’ more than pulling out your phone to text and browse.
When the woman escaped to the bathroom, I figured that was the last I would see of her. I figured that it was probably the last Clueless Dude would see of her, too. She’d be doing him a favour honestly.
About fifteen minutes later, though, she returned, much to my surprise. It didn’t surprise Clueless Dude at ALL, because he’s clueless. She was working very hard to extricate herself from the date, telling Clueless Dude that she was sorry, but she should be going. He didn’t seem to get it. I fought the urge to pass him a note explaining the situation.
Finally, the woman managed to get her message across. He went in for a hug. She grimaced and said no before making a break for it.
My superpower, ladies and gentlemen.
This month, I’m participating in NABLOPOMO! So are some of my friends. Visit their blogs for more Nablopomoey goodness: