In honour of the release of the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, I decided to share with you a list of things that are sexier than Fifty Shades of Grey.

“Mr. Grey will see you now.”
Ew, no. Please just stop.

Ready? Here goes:

Things that are way sexier than 50 Shades of Grey:

    • a dentist appointment
    • a gyno appointment
    • shovelling snow
    • doing laundry
    • laying tiles
    • laying hard wood
    • laying carpet
    • installing any type of flooring, really
    • filing your nails
    • teeth whitening strips
    • literally spicing up your bedroom. I suggest oregano, thyme and paprika sprinkled between the sheets
    • watching paint dry
    • hanging wallpaper
    • washing dishes that have sat in the skin for three weeks
    • yard work
    • watching grass grow
    • being adventurous in the bedroom with your consenting partner
    • consensual sex
    • sex on the beach (the drink)
    • sex on the beach (where you basically have sex in coarse dirt– Cuz that’s basically what sand is).
    • dancing
    • cleaning the bathroom
    • cleaning your bedroom
    • fast cars
    • slow cars
    • public transit
    • eating your vegetables
    • listening to Blank Space on repeat
    • watching Animal Planet
    • watching the History network

  • watching porn with friends
  • watching porn alone
  • reading

 

Just as long as you're not reading this.
Just as long as you’re not reading this.
  • reading Snark Squad recaps of the book
  • flossing your teeth
  • wearing high heels
  • wearing flats
  • wearing Converse
  • wearing whatever the fuck makes you feel awesome
  • making your own decisions
  • making music
  • making art
  • making stuff with your own two hands
  • making out with someone you care about
  • Snow slush
  • Icy sidewalks
  • Farms
  • Calluses
  • Hangnails
  • Spinach
  • Yogurt
  • Mowing the law
  • Toothpicks
  • Cohesive relationships
  • Not being stalked
  • Squats and lunges workouts
  • Dirty gym socks
  • Old running shoes
  • Sidewalk chalk
  • Worms
  • Making your own choices about what and when you eat
  • Making your own choices about where you work
  • Door knobs
  • Thor
  • Light bulbs
  • Selfie sticks

My point is,¬†anything is sexier than 50 Shades of Grey. Nothing is sexy about stalkery, controlling, abusive relationships, nor is it sexy to romanticize abusive, controlling relationships. It isn’t sexy to exploit a community like the BDSM one by using it to hide behind. And nothing is sexy about bad writing and horrible fan fiction.

So if you’re looking for sexy, for the love of all that is sexy, give 50 Shades of Grey a pass. You’ll thank me.